Ok so the wedding happened. And now a is ah as in hogan and not hahn.

While i am super happy for them a part of me is super jealous.

i mean i want to find someone who would love me for me too, ykwim? I guess everyone wants that, its only natural.

but at this point i feel like its not going to happen.

lets face it, im not getting any younger and my inability to get close to anyone is seriously impeding on my forming a close relationship with anyone

eh. Well maybe in the new system lol

but yeah the personal bubble problem that i have is something i am going to have to work on if i dont want to be lonely in a few years

and it really stinks but the only people that i ever really felt close to are my sisters lol

idk why its so hard for me to open up to anyone. I guess i have this fear that if i opened up and really laid myself bare to someone i wont be able to take it back so to speak and my carefully constructed image will all be in shambles.

And quite truthfully, baring myself so completely open is awfully frightening.

and what if i do form a close relationship with someone and then that person takes advantage of me or disregards my thoughts and feelings??

I dont think i could deal with the emotional and mental repercussions of something of that caliber.

so i protect myself, i withdraw into my mind where i am safe, because theoretically i cant hurt myself although i fear this would hurt me beyond anything i mean what good is a sound mind if one is too lonely to bear it?

seriously i think id rather be stuck in a happy demented state of disillushionment than be painfully aware of my alone-ness.

but eh. No need to get so moody on a happy day.

who knows? Maybe there iss someone out there for me afterall that i can connect to

at any rate Jehovah will always be there for me, i can always count on him to give me a big hug when i need one or to send me angels to celebrate with when there is a happy occasion and whatnot.

just keep busy, just keep busy