I wish it had been sunny and warm these past few days.

I wish you could’ve had a nice few days before having to drive out.

(Although, the rainy, cold weather kinda fits my mood.)

I kinda sorta imagined you’d be like Will driving out into the sunset in Good Will Hunting, which is why I sorta got you the shades 🙂

(Which, btw, look amazing on you. I chose well, haha but then again, my style has always been impeccable. I’m glad I got to see you in them before you left. Also, sorry my last words to you were, oh, I thought you said you shaved your head. I was about to say, you don’t look any balder than you usually do, to which your response was to stand there in such a ‘you’ way, leaning your head slightly back and to the left, letting out a delighted laugh. You’d turned slightly pink, and said, man, your last words are you don’t look any balder than usual. I was a little mortified but laughing as well and I’m kinda glad we ended just like that. The very last memory I have of you was of waving while driving past while you were in R’s car, with your shades on, and you waving back. I’m sort of glad it was like that, if I could relive that moment, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. It felt like it was just a pause in our relationship, like, it felt like were saying, see you again soon and it just felt like how you’d want it to end. You did mention you didn’t really like being the center of emotional attention because you get emotional, too, and cry easy-you said you cried like a baby watching Wreck it Ralph lol. I’m sad to say I never saw you cry-I’d pay good money to see you cry actually-but maybe that’s for next time. I wonder why I never cried for your leaving while you were here? I’m usually a weepy mess-i.e when Heidi left, I was a mess. Also, Alex and Becky’s leaving news made me cry at a drop of a hat. I guess it’s because I knew you wouldn’t have liked it-or maybe you wanted me to? I mean, I assure you, I am very, VERY upset that you’ve left. I cry plenty while I’m by myself. And that stinking Onerepublic song that was playing on Sun Merry-that song reminds me of you and of your situation and it makes me emotional. In a way, I guess it’s like it’s our song because we heard it together, and I sent it to you as requested-I’m just not sure how you really took it because the lyrics again are so, so applicable. Ugh, this tangent got so long haha)

But I hope the drive is nice-a good, quiet time to reflect on the good times that you’ve had in the last 9 years, peppered with stops along the way with friends (I know you’ll stay at LEM’s brother’s home, you told me so.)

I’m thankful for that weekend we were able to spend time together. The party, then cleaning up and then finally early morning and morning service together, capping it off with hot dogs from Hirams (that was a bucket list item for me, so thank you, also, for that)

And then when you told me that you’d miss me before giving me a hug-a real one, and not just a side hug, either-I don’t know. There are so many things I want to say, but I’m having difficulty expressing them.

Gosh, I’m going to miss you terribly.

And I admit, I like how you went about with your goodbyes. It was personalized for everyone so that people who really cared about you were able to say their goodbyes. Like how you went out in service with JD and how you spent an evening with the Polish couple.

So while we were doing service, I have to admit, I was kinda quiet because I was feeling depressed. It was like I was already missing you and that’s silly because I ended up wasting the time I actually did have with you.

But the time at Starbucks (lol when they wrote ‘Judith’ on your cup haha) and you let me run my fingers all over your palms-it surprised me because you never let me do that before. I guess you were feeling a bit sentimental, too.

Plus sitting next to you at Hiram’s eating hot dogs and feeling the breeze and the slight hint of the Bethel detergent mixed with your scent, ugh I get a lump in my throat every time I think of it.

(I will always think of you now whenever I go to Hiram’s)

And the way you made me take a photo of A with her friends from Korea (you troll, apparently you and my sister were laughing about it in the car- but I’ll let that one pass, even when you locked me out of the car :T bc you told my sister that you appreciated how sweet I was, that you didn’t really need the photo of A and her friend hugging but that I’d tried to take a photo bc it would’ve made you happy, how easily I went along with things if it meant making people happy-and  my sister called me gullible)

Most strikingly, I remember the brief moment before we got into your car for service. You’d parked on the street. The sunlight struck you just so, so that there was this warm, glowy aura about you. You were at the driver’s side door, about to open it when for some reason, you looked up and our eyes met.

It felt like that moment was suspended in a soft, wonderful vacuum where nothing and no one but us existed.

I don’t know if you felt the same, but for some reason, you looked so sad and beautiful and I don’t know, different somehow, at that exact moment.

And my heart lurched a little and I wanted to say something but nothing would come out. And I know I wasn’t smiling either, I might have looked grim and serious but that was only because I was concentrating on the moment.

Wordsworth said if you concentrate on a moment hard enough, it stays with you forever.

I don’t think I concentrated nearly hard enough, because now I’m doubting myself and wondering if this even happened.

I hope it did, because it was a beautiful moment for me, one that I know will keep me warm for a while yet.

I hope it was just as beautiful for you.

(But the way you looked at me, I know, I felt pretty somehow. I felt in my gut that you thought I looked pretty at that moment as well-again, I can’t assume to know what you were thinking/feeling, but that’s just what my intuition said and I’m going to trust myself on this)

Ugh this sucks so hard.

anyways, know that I’ll always love you and miss you something terrible 🙁

mamihlapinatapai: a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something that they both desire but which neither wants to begin

I’m at a loss for words.

Well not really (as evidenced by this stupid long letter, sorry. I usually spend hours talking and getting this out, like how I did with Heidi when she left but you really didn’t give me much notice :T). I guess what I really mean is that I have these conflicting feelings and I don’t know how, exactly, to express them.

On one hand, I’m excited for you. I wonder where you will go next, what you will experience, how you will further your service to Jehovah.

There’s so much out there, beyond Bethel and this NY/NJ area. And since you speak Mandarin fluently, the possibilities are endless. I mean, seriously, there’s Chinese people all over the world, even in the furthest reaches of the Amazonian jungles (true story, a friend of mine went to the Brazilian forests for a few months and found a Chinese take out place in the most remote of places. I don’t even know how :T) to the African deserts and the glaciers of Alaska.

So many different people to meet, places to explore and foods to try, untethered from the strict routines of Bethel life. (Plus, you’d be paid for work now, that means you’d have cash and disposable income which is a big plus, not going to lie lol-it would certainly allow you to have all those experiences I’d just wrote about :D)

But on the other hand, I’m mourning your loss in our congregation. I mean, you’ve always been there at meetings, supporting the ministry and countless gatherings and dinners and I could go on and on. I wonder sometimes if it hadn’t been for your support, would I have been able to keep pioneering (esp during the winter and after A got married).

I guess I just assumed you’d always be here. I’m sorry if I took you for granted, if I haven’t always acknowledged your achievements and all the hard work you’ve put in over the years.

And you know what’s funny? Now that you’re leaving, I’m reminded of all these little things you’ve done for me. Small things that I’m sure you’ve forgotten.

Like remembering I wanted ice cream and getting it for me so that it would be ready when I returned.

Or sharing the food you packed from Bethel when I’d come to service empty handed (this happened quite a few times).

Staying late for service (like past 6PM) on the weekends so that we could put in a long day, even when you were probably tired and had things to do.

Going out of your way to make my sister feel welcome at the congregation when she first moved in (she’s shy at first, she’s a little better now, but I remember when she first started coming, she didn’t really want to leave my side but your constant encouragement and greetings helped).

And letting me hold onto you for support when I wore stupidly high heels to service (thank you also for not complaining or throwing shade. I’m sure it must’ve been quite annoying and I promise I don’t wear heels out to service anymore!).

And also bringing my purchases to my car when I’ve brought waay too much (once, which I feel especially grateful for, was when I decided to buy 40 cream puffs for meeting. You had to carry 4 boxes of cream puffs, plus support me in 4-inch heels as we walked from Parisienne to Sunmerry. Another time, you carried a box of beers and vodka and rum to my car after I bought too much for JD’s D-fest).

Also, once we went into a Dunkin Donut and I was being my fickle self, unable to choose between a latte or an iced hot chocolate. You told me to get both and we’d share so I didn’t have to choose and then you bought it for me. (thank you)

And this isn’t even including all the other things you’ve done for us, like organizing parties (remember when you and Daylan planned the goodbye party/show for Y&A at my place?? Good times. Plus D-Fest every year), managing the territory for all those years, volunteering at the conventions…

In the end, I guess I’m going to miss having you around. Your glowing spirituality,  your love for Jehovah and for the people in our territory, your refreshing humbleness and the willingness to own up to any mistakes, your kind manner and genuine personal interest in the friends and studies, the way you’d be so attentive at meetings, your thoughtful comments and funny demonstrations (I miss those! Before we got the new meeting format!), prayers on the street before going street witnessing, your witty and at times self-deprecating sense of humor, the infectious timbre of your laugh that seems to bubble up from somewhere deep within, and your almost encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture and history (only rivaled by one Beau Mathews-it doesn’t surprise me that you two’d be friends).

I hope you stay your cheerful, encouraging self. Keep up with your amazing spiritual growth and continue to mature where ever you end up (and you’ve matured a LOT. I remember how you were when I first met you ahahaha-and no I’m not going to expound in detail exactly how you’ve matured. Not here anyways).

[Also, I’m going to go on a little tangent here but please bear with me:

-please wear sunscreen, now that you’ll be outside more and not stuck inside in an office, protect your skin. Sunscreen is the single most important weapon in warding off aging. Very important.

-On that vein, please try to wear sunglasses. Your blue eyes-as beautiful as they are-are waay more susceptible to cataracts and glaucoma from sun exposure.

-please, please, PLEASE throw out those hideous, thick, short ties. You know the ones I’m talking about (ok, JUST in case you don’t, you have a particularly ugly tie, it’s this ugly chartreuse and white and even if you get rid of just one, make it this one.)

-Remember to stand tall, keep your posture straight, shoulders down and back. Posture is more important than a good suit, even a well tailored suit.

-Speaking of suits, it doesn’t have to be expensive. Just has to fit well, i.e, make sure the shoulders are flush with your shoulders, pants aren’t too baggy or tight and that they fall just enough to create 1 horizontal crease at your ankle but not too long that they drag on the floor…etc.

-Shoes and accessories: good rule of thumb is to not mix colors and metals. So remember, brown shoes=brown belt, silver watch=silver cufflinks and tie clip. Also a polishing will make a world of difference-case in point, my dad wears dress shoes from Walmart that he polishes every week and they look just as nice as his friends’ Gucci loafers that are $900+

-Remember that you always have a home here with us at West Hudson Mandarin congregation. We love you, keep in touch.]

From the immense edifice of my memory, I can recall the first time I ever met you. I was running late to meeting (as I often am, I’m still working on it but I have gotten better lol) and I saw you walking towards the Mahwah KH as I pulled into the parking lot with A.

We took our time going to the door because we figured you’d have gone in already but you were waiting with the door. You’d smiled, and said “Hi, I’m Judah.” I remember being touched because I’d just come from the Korean congregation where the brothers would never have waited. Who would’ve known you’d be so important in my life for the next 5 years?? (also, joke’s on me because back then, I thought you were so much older than me but now, I look older than you hmph :T)

So anyways.

Thanks for putting up with my shenanigans all these years, thanks for introducing me to dilly bars at Dairy Queen and rekindling my love for Pizza Hut. There are not enough words to fully express my gratitude for all you’ve done.

Keep moving forward, take only fond memories with you and hopefully we’ll see each other again soon 🙂

xoxo