I wish it had been sunny and warm these past few days.

I wish you could’ve had a nice few days before having to drive out.

(Although, the rainy, cold weather kinda fits my mood.)

I kinda sorta imagined you’d be like Will driving out into the sunset in Good Will Hunting, which is why I sorta got you the shades 🙂

(Which, btw, look amazing on you. I chose well, haha but then again, my style has always been impeccable. I’m glad I got to see you in them before you left. Also, sorry my last words to you were, oh, I thought you said you shaved your head. I was about to say, you don’t look any balder than you usually do, to which your response was to stand there in such a ‘you’ way, leaning your head slightly back and to the left, letting out a delighted laugh. You’d turned slightly pink, and said, man, your last words are you don’t look any balder than usual. I was a little mortified but laughing as well and I’m kinda glad we ended just like that. The very last memory I have of you was of waving while driving past while you were in R’s car, with your shades on, and you waving back. I’m sort of glad it was like that, if I could relive that moment, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. It felt like it was just a pause in our relationship, like, it felt like were saying, see you again soon and it just felt like how you’d want it to end. You did mention you didn’t really like being the center of emotional attention because you get emotional, too, and cry easy-you said you cried like a baby watching Wreck it Ralph lol. I’m sad to say I never saw you cry-I’d pay good money to see you cry actually-but maybe that’s for next time. I wonder why I never cried for your leaving while you were here? I’m usually a weepy mess-i.e when Heidi left, I was a mess. Also, Alex and Becky’s leaving news made me cry at a drop of a hat. I guess it’s because I knew you wouldn’t have liked it-or maybe you wanted me to? I mean, I assure you, I am very, VERY upset that you’ve left. I cry plenty while I’m by myself. And that stinking Onerepublic song that was playing on Sun Merry-that song reminds me of you and of your situation and it makes me emotional. In a way, I guess it’s like it’s our song because we heard it together, and I sent it to you as requested-I’m just not sure how you really took it because the lyrics again are so, so applicable. Ugh, this tangent got so long haha)

But I hope the drive is nice-a good, quiet time to reflect on the good times that you’ve had in the last 9 years, peppered with stops along the way with friends (I know you’ll stay at LEM’s brother’s home, you told me so.)

I’m thankful for that weekend we were able to spend time together. The party, then cleaning up and then finally early morning and morning service together, capping it off with hot dogs from Hirams (that was a bucket list item for me, so thank you, also, for that)

And then when you told me that you’d miss me before giving me a hug-a real one, and not just a side hug, either-I don’t know. There are so many things I want to say, but I’m having difficulty expressing them.

Gosh, I’m going to miss you terribly.

And I admit, I like how you went about with your goodbyes. It was personalized for everyone so that people who really cared about you were able to say their goodbyes. Like how you went out in service with JD and how you spent an evening with the Polish couple.

So while we were doing service, I have to admit, I was kinda quiet because I was feeling depressed. It was like I was already missing you and that’s silly because I ended up wasting the time I actually did have with you.

But the time at Starbucks (lol when they wrote ‘Judith’ on your cup haha) and you let me run my fingers all over your palms-it surprised me because you never let me do that before. I guess you were feeling a bit sentimental, too.

Plus sitting next to you at Hiram’s eating hot dogs and feeling the breeze and the slight hint of the Bethel detergent mixed with your scent, ugh I get a lump in my throat every time I think of it.

(I will always think of you now whenever I go to Hiram’s)

And the way you made me take a photo of A with her friends from Korea (you troll, apparently you and my sister were laughing about it in the car- but I’ll let that one pass, even when you locked me out of the car :T bc you told my sister that you appreciated how sweet I was, that you didn’t really need the photo of A and her friend hugging but that I’d tried to take a photo bc it would’ve made you happy, how easily I went along with things if it meant making people happy-and  my sister called me gullible)

Most strikingly, I remember the brief moment before we got into your car for service. You’d parked on the street. The sunlight struck you just so, so that there was this warm, glowy aura about you. You were at the driver’s side door, about to open it when for some reason, you looked up and our eyes met.

It felt like that moment was suspended in a soft, wonderful vacuum where nothing and no one but us existed.

I don’t know if you felt the same, but for some reason, you looked so sad and beautiful and I don’t know, different somehow, at that exact moment.

And my heart lurched a little and I wanted to say something but nothing would come out. And I know I wasn’t smiling either, I might have looked grim and serious but that was only because I was concentrating on the moment.

Wordsworth said if you concentrate on a moment hard enough, it stays with you forever.

I don’t think I concentrated nearly hard enough, because now I’m doubting myself and wondering if this even happened.

I hope it did, because it was a beautiful moment for me, one that I know will keep me warm for a while yet.

I hope it was just as beautiful for you.

(But the way you looked at me, I know, I felt pretty somehow. I felt in my gut that you thought I looked pretty at that moment as well-again, I can’t assume to know what you were thinking/feeling, but that’s just what my intuition said and I’m going to trust myself on this)

Ugh this sucks so hard.

anyways, know that I’ll always love you and miss you something terrible 🙁

mamihlapinatapai: a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something that they both desire but which neither wants to begin