A Pale Pink City

My Life in Fiction

Month: November 2014 (Page 2 of 2)

D&S wedding 2014

Ok so the wedding happened. And now a is ah as in hogan and not hahn.

While i am super happy for them a part of me is super jealous.

i mean i want to find someone who would love me for me too, ykwim? I guess everyone wants that, its only natural.

but at this point i feel like its not going to happen.

lets face it, im not getting any younger and my inability to get close to anyone is seriously impeding on my forming a close relationship with anyone

eh. Well maybe in the new system lol

but yeah the personal bubble problem that i have is something i am going to have to work on if i dont want to be lonely in a few years

and it really stinks but the only people that i ever really felt close to are my sisters lol

idk why its so hard for me to open up to anyone. I guess i have this fear that if i opened up and really laid myself bare to someone i wont be able to take it back so to speak and my carefully constructed image will all be in shambles.

And quite truthfully, baring myself so completely open is awfully frightening.

and what if i do form a close relationship with someone and then that person takes advantage of me or disregards my thoughts and feelings??

I dont think i could deal with the emotional and mental repercussions of something of that caliber.

so i protect myself, i withdraw into my mind where i am safe, because theoretically i cant hurt myself although i fear this would hurt me beyond anything i mean what good is a sound mind if one is too lonely to bear it?

seriously i think id rather be stuck in a happy demented state of disillushionment than be painfully aware of my alone-ness.

but eh. No need to get so moody on a happy day.

who knows? Maybe there iss someone out there for me afterall that i can connect to

at any rate Jehovah will always be there for me, i can always count on him to give me a big hug when i need one or to send me angels to celebrate with when there is a happy occasion and whatnot.

just keep busy, just keep busy

and so it goes

Darling J,

as you can probably tell, i’ve been to the patterson infirmary this past weekend and while it was fantastic being there, i can’t help but to think of you.

man.

i sorely wish there was a way of finding out if you were single. I feel like u are but you never know. And i dont want to covet a taken man, but still i just always seem to get u stuck in my head whenever i,m in patterson.

and i always end up driving by your house too, looking for any lights and so on.

i am such a loser.

on a brighter note, the infirmary seems to be running smoothly with all the same residents there, that’s always good. Althoug *# will always be *# hahaha,terrorizing all the sisters hahaha

(Im sorry its not funny. Im jusg kind of tired i guess things arent making sense)

oh yeah. I also have a talk coming up so that majorly stinks. Atleast L-bear put me with RR who is like my favorite person in Mahwah/morris chinese haha

and its all written. For some reason im not as nervous.

I am so going to bomb.

and the branch meeting!!! It was just so wonderful. Why dont we have them every week again?

i esp enjoyed bro morris’ talk, it was so applicable. Omg never wearing yoga pants and leggings outside again!!

And hahahahahaha omg he must really hate the tight suit look and the bright socks.

I’m glad he addressed the tight suit. Seriously, boys have to stop.

and it really reminds me to be careful of how i am presenting myself as well.

Gosh.

i have to review my notes again but it was such an amazing program, definitely going to keep the construction project in my prayers and also we have too really work on keeping family worship regular.

GAAAHHH!! just remembered AGAIN that u are no longer at patterson and it is depressing me. 🙁

Ok well.

oh yeah! The DA wedding event dress bonanza

lololol this is kinda embarrassing.

so mommy hated the dress i originally got for the wedding which was really a bummer as i adored it. Apparently its too tight (which it kinda is, which now that i think about, im glad mommy hated it otherwise bro morris’ words would’ve been going around all day next sat) so i needed to find a new dress.

AAAHHHH!!! PANIC TO THE NTH DEGREE!!

i mean i got a new pair of loubs just for the occasion and everything.

Grrr

do i went kinda crazy and well managed to narrow it down to 2 dresses, the rose dress from tracy reese at a whopping $500 or the gia dress from pug for around $150.

but man, i had a feeling the gia would be too similar to the tatyana dress ie too tight.

🙁

and the tracy reese dress was thankfully very unforgiving. I mean it made me look so wide. Like i know im kind of chunky but this dress made me look like pumbaa in a fancy red dress, no joke.

thankfully as in hello, $500 pricetag???

(875$ shoes are not too bad as come on SHOES. and ill wear them forever. But a dress?? Nuhuh. I wear it once and then its difficult to wear again. Plus did i mention it made me look super chunky and bald too?? BALD!!)

so back to the drawing board.

eh.

so i finally find this erin fetherstons dress, on sale for $200!! And it is absolutely darling!!

Oh j i wish u could see me in it. I look so feminine you wouldnt believe its me haha. So soft and airy and pink and just the epitome of being a woman.

it is so so lovely.

so yeah. I am saved haha.

so that is where life stands for me.

i wonder what u are doing all the time.

I wish i knew ur status. So as to know for sure if u were a viable option.

because if u arent then i seriously need to move on.

i thought maybe…

well we’ll see.

xoxo

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